Twilight Insight

October 9, 2009

Leap of Faith

Although it makes sense logically that a person will function differently after surviving a brain injury, the biggest challenge is to let go of the expectations of one’s old self and to accept a new ‘normal.’ Two of my greatest challenges include mobility difficulties and problems with extreme fatigue. Before my brain injury, I used to be able to push myself very hard to quickly accomplish goals I set for myself. Now I have to pay attention to my fatigue level and force myself to rest frequently in order to function at my best. I find this very frustrating because I often feel like my life is at a standstill. I become upset when I don’t feel like my life is progressing the way I want.

I’ve been interested in Native American spirituality for a long time, particularly observing animals and nature and learning important lessons learned by engaging in this practice. I pay attention to animals which are present in my environment and reflect upon their behavior, how they move and survive, their strengths and challenges, and how these things might relate to what is going on in my life at that particular time.

While I was feeling upset with issues of fatigue, mobility, and how slowly my life now progresses, I saw a grasshopper resting on top of a sunflower in my backyard. As I thought about the grasshopper, I suddenly realized how similar I was to it. Because the grasshopper had no comparison of life pre- and post-injury, I began to see how I now move through life in a much different way. Comparisons to others or to how I progressed previously are not helpful.

The way I move through life now is simply different. At times, I engage in resting, enjoying the beauty that surrounds me and making important revelations while others seem to surpass me. However, like the grasshopper with its powerful hind legs, I am in touch with my surroundings, know when to quickly draw upon my inner strength and can leap extraordinary distances to get to where I need to be as long as I take time to rest and reflect.

Click here to read the poem I wrote as a tribute to lessons learned from the grasshopper: Leap_of_Faith

© Angela Cramer, 2008-2009

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© Jupiterimages Corporation, 2008-2009 www.clipart.com

August 19, 2009

TBI Writers Support Group

One of the things that started me thinking about a TBI Skype Support Group, was an incident that happened last month. While at our local center for brain injury, I visited with their medical librarian whose job is to help doctors, therapists, TBI patients, their caregivers and other TBI survivors in the community. I went to see if she could find information about a complex condition I have….Basilar Artery Migraines. When I do a search on the internet, I find very little. I wanted to see if she could find more information about it and was pleasantly surprised when she announced over 5,000 hits to her search!

During my time with her, I told her about my website which I created because I found it so therapeutic for me to write. She told me about a TBI Writers Support Group offered twice a week that she facilitates at the center because she thought it would be very therapeutic for TBI survivors to write — an activity which might go along nicely with their other types of therapy. I have been having a difficult time writing (as you may have noticed my decreased postings here) because of the things that are going on in my life. Yet at the same time, that is when writing seems to be most helpful. I wanted to participate in the group, but transportation to the center is a problem for me.

I asked her if they had the ability to use Skype so that could participate. After explaining Skype to her, she approached her supervisor who gave approval to try this out. I am hoping they will have the program up and running for this Friday’s group, but if not, I will post what I’ve written on my website and participate via speaker phone…not the greatest way to participate, but it feels wonderful to have someone be willing to find ways to overcome obstacles so that I might participate. Thank you, Barbara!!!

Last week’s writing topic was: Changes & Recovery (click here to read what I wrote).

This week’s topic is: The best advice you’ve ever received. Click here to read The Sage Within.

© Angela Cramer, 2008-2009

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© Jupiterimages Corporation, 2008-2009 www.clipart.com

June 10, 2009

Take a “Bird Talk” Walk

In addition to my container garden which is right outside my back door, I also have a bird feeding area. I love watching the different birds who come to my feeders – goldfinches, a downy woodpecker, tufted titmouse (I wonder what the plural is…titmice?), chickadees, sparrows, starlings, purple finches, brown-headed cowbirds, mourning doves, cardinals, mockingbirds.

When I first put out my feeders, I knew many of the birds but not all of them. It was fun, and therapeutic, looking through my bird book trying to identify birds that I didn’t know. (Click here to learn more about the therapeutic benefits of Bird Feeding and Watching) What made it even more fun was that another friend of mine had also set up bird feeders in her yard.

We would call each other and talk about what kind of birds we saw, the kinds of seed we put out, how to tell the difference between a starling and a grackle, how to attract woodpeckers, etc. We’d look up information about different birds in books or on the internet and share interesting facts we learned.

For example, did you know that starlings are not native to the United States? In the 1890s some Shakespeare enthusiasts decided to introduce all species of birds which appeared in Shakespeare’s works. One-hundred starlings were released in New York. Anyone who recognizes a starling can attest how well they have thrived here in the US.

This hobby has created a multitude of therapeutic activities for us. We also put up a couple of nesting boxes which have doors you can open to look inside and watch the birds as they build their nest and lay their eggs. I use the nesting boxes to encourage me to go outside and walk around my yard and explore. My physical and occupational therapists have helped me figure out where best to place outdoor chairs so that I have places to rest.

This year I’m expanding on the therapeutic benefits of my bird watching hobby to include learning to identify bird songs when I am outside. (Click here to learn more about the therapeutic benefits of taking a “Bird Talk” Walk) The next time you’re outside, take a few minutes to listen to bird songs. If you live in a place congested with noise pollution, go to a park with a friend or family member to listen to the birds. Listening to the various songs can be uplifting, and learning which birds are singing is a great way to exercise your brain cells!

© Angela Cramer, 2008-2009

Last photo is the property of Jupiterimages made available through subscription:
© Jupiterimages Corporation, 2008-2009 www.clipart.com

Other photos are the property of Angela Cramer, © Angela Cramer, 2008-2009

June 5, 2009

Suggestions to My State Legislators

Being the victim of such unfair practices, makes it easier to be passionate about an issue and wanting to see change. Even though I may not benefit from changes, it is worthwhile knowing that other people will not be treated like I was.

The problem becomes figuring out what can I do to start to bring about change? My individual letters to my state legislators are not likely to do much, unless more people like myself step forward.

I have met about 5 other individuals who have been affected by these state retirement systems. Some are scared to join with me to voice their opinions, afraid of retaliation.

Another approach I tried was to call some union leaders at a school to make them aware of the injustices. All they were interested in were the negotiations for the current year’s salaries. Their thinking was much like a teenager’s – “Something like that won’t happen to me, so I’m not going to worry about it.”

So for now, all I know to do, is to write down some suggestions of changes that need to be made and present them to whoever will listen. Right now, that will be my state legislators. Perhaps I’ll learn some new things which will help me figure out what to do next.

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Dear State Lawmakers,

While I’m afraid it may be too late to help me, I write this in the hopes of seeing changes for people with disabilities who are battling the state retirement systems (SERS, STRS, PERS) right now…and those who will be fighting long after, unless changes are made now. I’ve been told by several lawyers that our state’s retirement systems are allowed to get away with unfair practices because they have written so much power to themselves in their bylaws. It is not fair for organizations to give so much power to themselves that they are legally able to hurt those people whom we entrust the education and future of our children….and there is no recourse.

If changes that protect school & public workers’ rights cannot be made, then I suggest that these organizations disband the disability portion and leave it to social security. The federal government program is more reasonable than this state’s retirement programs. Besides this, these retirement systems collect money for disability, then have the power to unfairly deny their members and pass off the cost to the federal government when we have to apply for SSI, Medicare and other services which these retirement systems should be providing.

Please consider the following:

#1. School/public employees are forced to pay into state retirement systems instead of social security. When a disability occurs after employment has ended, the former employee cannot apply for benefits. People paying into social security can apply for disability benefits anytime. So why don’t the state retirement systems run their disability benefits the same way?

(Click here to read more)

© Angela Cramer, 2008-2009

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May 28, 2009

Winks from Creator/God

Keeping faith that everything is happening and unfolding according to a Divine plan has been a very challenging concept to practice and maintain, particularly in the past 5 years. I have been told, and have often felt, like I’ve been a walking case of Murphy’s Law…in that anything that can go wrong, has gone wrong. Yet, there is a small niggling somewhere in my mind that perhaps this experience which feels and seems so awful and bleak will somehow lead to something amazing and wonderful. That’s the way it was with my divorce, so why shouldn’t my brain injury journey be the same?

The difficult part of having faith is that it’s so much easier to look back after going through a difficult time and saying, “Wow, isn’t it amazing that everything worked out well and better than I could ever have hoped!” It’s much more difficult to keep a smile on your face and profess that your life is going wonderfully well and just as Creator/God has planned while you are actually knee deep in manure on this arduous trek. The “manure” which is swirling around me right now includes: approximately $130,000 worth of medical debt, termination of my disability pension, lack of any income, a decision from the bank as to whether I qualify for any kind of assistance so that I can stay in my home or whether they will foreclose, a 3 to 4 month wait to see if I qualify for SSI, and an undetermined wait as to how long SERS (school employees retirement system) will drag out my appeal of their decision to terminate my disability pension.

While some people may have an inherently positive/optimistic personality even in the face swimming in such sewage, I am one who needs a little more encouragement or some kind of reassurance that things are going to work out okay. I would like to believe I received 3 such messages of encouragement/reassurance over the past month.

Some people might call these positive types of experiences a coincidence, the answer to a prayer or simply an incident with unlikely odds.  SQuire Rushnell calls them “Godwinks.” He says that these uplifting happenings are a way in which God “winks” at us and leads us to precisely where we need to be in life or to the right people and/or opportunities at just the right time. (For more about this, visit his GODWINK STORIES™ at www.beliefnet.com on Mondays and Wednesday or read his book, When God Winks at You.)

I’d like to share with you my recent “unusual” experiences and ask you what you think.

Wink #1: One of my neighbors, whom I’ll call Alicia, frequently brings me meals. Although we did not know each other very well prior to my accident, when she found out about my circumstances and the difficulty I had with fixing meals, she took it upon herself to fix an extra plate of food every now and then to share with me. The thought and love which she puts into these special plates are amazing and she seems to show up on my doorstep with them at times when I’m at my lowest.

A few weeks ago, she brought me some dinner and told me that her 14 yr. old car finally died, and that she was hoping to find a reasonably priced used car in good condition. The next morning she called and asked if she could come over because she had something for me. It was very unusual that she was coming over in the morning. When I opened the door, she handed me a check for $1,000 made out to the County Treasurer’s Office. She said that she was able to find a car and had not used all of the money she had set aside for it. She got online and noticed that I was behind on my property taxes and decided to give me the check so I could get current on my taxes. Alicia is woman who not only has a strong relationship with God, she also is a true embodiment of love, compassion and generosity.

Wink #2: Around this same time I was feeling very anxious about wondering how long I would be without income while SERS makes a decision on my appeal. I thought about this sleezy mortgage company I had taken out my mortgage with right after I got divorced. They ended up charging me $13,000 more than they should have. A lawyer looked over the documents and told me it wasn’t worth trying to sue them and that I should just find another more reputable company. A couple years later, I unexpectedly received a check in the mail for a few hundred dollars. The check was for money recovered from a class action lawsuit against this mortgage company. And, it had come precisely at a time when I was having difficulties paying bills. A couple years after that, I received another check from them, once again arriving at a time when I was experiencing some financial difficulty. This last check came about 7 or 8 years ago.

With my current financial situation weighing heavily on my mind, I began thinking “Gee, I wish I would get another check from that class action lawsuit.” The very next day there was a check in my mailbox from the class action lawsuit for $560!!!

Wink #3: Yesterday, a friend and I packed our cameras and went to “happy hour with the butterflies.” We have discovered that the special evening butterfly events are the best times for me to attend since there are “adults only” which makes for fewer people, much less noise and, therefore, less overstimulation. One of the most amazing and beautiful butterflies there was a blue morpho butterfly. Some of the staff told us that it is extremely difficult to get a picture of this particular butterfly. Its beauty is breathtaking as it flits actively around the exhibit, but as soon as it lands, it usually closes its wings, displaying its less attractive dark brown underside.

As I sat watching it flit around, I said a prayer and asked God to send me a message to me that everything will be okay by letting the butterfly land on me. Within 10 minutes this incredible blue butterfly landed on my shoulder! A few people gathered around me taking pictures of it. Fortunately, my friend was among them, poised with her camera to capture this astonishing occurrence.

Question: What do you think? Are these reassurances from God or simply a string of very fortunate/interesting events?

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Blessings, and thank you.

© Angela Cramer, 2008-2009

Sky picture and clipart are the property of Jupiterimages made available through subscription:
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Butterfly pictures taken by my friend, Missy Black, © 2009